One morning last week, Evi made Pillsbury Crescents, which are something like croissants, but with a different name. That’s the only difference I can tell. I imagine that since they don’t use the word ‘croissant’, it must be some cheap imitation, like how they use ‘cheez’ or ‘cheese product’ when what they’re selling doesn’t meet the legal definition of cheese. But the crescents were pretty damn good, and regardless, my palate probably isn’t refined enough to tell the difference between crescents and croissants.
How do you refine a palate in the first place? Mine sucks. Whenever I go to a winery with my wife or friends, while everyone else is talking about how this wine is ‘fruity’ or ‘woodsy’, I’m like, ‘it tastes…hmmm…like wine‘. I feel the same way about beer or coffee. They’re all the same. I think my friends are pretending they’re different.
ANYWAY (God am I good at straying from the subject), like I said, my wife made crescents while I made the rest of breakfast. As I was whipping eggs in a bowl, I noticed a plastic baggie of what looks like apple filling.
“Evi, what’s this apple filling for? Isn’t this for the crescents?
“Yeah, it came with two packets. I thought one was enough.”
I stared in complete disbelief.
Never in the entire Simmons Family history has anyone ever not used the entirety of whatever supporting goodness came with whatever we were making. WHAT KIND OF HEATHEN DOESN’T USE ALL THE APPLE FILLING FOR APPLE CRESCENTS?!?
When I make cinnamon rolls, I use ALL the sugar glaze! When I make macaroni and cheese, I use ALL the cheese!* When I make myself a toaster strudel, I use ALL of the icing! I mean, I squeeze out every last molecule! Why? Because this is fucking America, that’s why! We don’t waste any liquidy goodness in this country! I was raised right!
*Probably ‘cheese product’
Okay, okay, I admit, the crescents she made were still delicious. But I saved that damn baggie of apple filling. Next time, I’ll make the crescents. With three baggies of goodness.
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