I Finally Got Hired as a Writer

In my own head, I’ve been trying to get work as a writer ever since I posted my first blog in 2005. It’s a lie I tell myself, of course. I’ve never once applied for any writing job, created a resume, or even tried to find an agent. Truthfully, the only way I could’ve possibly gotten paid work is if a publisher or newspaper editor broke into my house, held me at gunpoint while sifting through my hard drive, and said, “Hey, you’re pretty good. Please sign this employment contract and maybe your whole family won’t get shot.”

But, despite the enormous odds of me getting actual work, I finally found someone who’ll hire me to write:

You.

Allow me to explain. This weekend, I’ll be starting a Substack. For those unfamiliar, Substack delivers “newsletters”, which are basically blogs that are emailed to you in full. They can be read on my new website, of course, or using the Substack app, but supposedly most people read them right in their email. So for readers too lazy to click one more link: yay!

Another element Substack brings is a premium tier. I want to say right off the bat: if you’ve been enjoying the blogs I’ve posted for the last few years, you’ll still be able to read that same type of content from me, free of charge. I repeat: daily blogs will always be free.

So what will premium subscribers get? Glad you asked! “Where is that book?” is a question I’ve heard, oh, I don’t know, maybe about a billion times in the last few years. A LOT of people want me to write a book, and I want to write one, but I keep letting other things distract me. You know, like mortgage careers and changing diapers and shit. Next thing I know, weeks have gone by and I haven’t done anything. I need discipline. I need structure. I need a boss.

That’s where you come in.

Every weekend, I’ll post a long-form piece that’ll eventually be included in my book. These won’t be the diary/journal entries that I’ve been posting for years, but instead they’ll be essays that I’ve shed blood, sweat and tears on. They’ll be lightly edited–though I can’t promise I’ll catch all the mistakes before it hits your email–and more of a story format. They’ll probably mostly be memoir-type stories from my life, though I reserve the right to go batshit crazy and pretend I’m talking to my dead parents again.

Technically, if you’re premium subscriber, you’ll never have to actually buy the book. Conversely, if you prefer to be a free subscriber, all you have to do is wait until I publish the book. The point isn’t the money, it’s the accountability. You see, most of you will probably be free subscribers, and that’s totally okay. But at least one of you is going to be a premium subscriber, and that’s all I need. If there is just ONE person I know out there that is paying actual American Goddamn dollars to read my stuff, I’m going to be hypermotivated to make sure I stick to my schedule and write. I’ll have to, because I’ve contractually and financially agreed to it. That subscriber will be my boss!

And, after six months or so, I’ll have enough essays written that I can publish my first book. It’s genius!

If you’re an email subscriber to this blog, I’ve already added you to my Substack subscriber list as a free subscriber. Please make sure you check your spam folder if you haven’t heard from me in a while. If you usually come here via Facebook, WordPress, or some other means, please subscribe to my Substack here:

I’m genuinely excited about this. My life is pretty crazy right now, but I absolutely positively will come through on this project. It’s time to shed my thinking of writing as a “hobby”. I have to think of it as, well, who I am.

I’m a writer.

Please join me on my journey.