The Twinkie Theft

A few days ago, fellow comedian Deric Cahill and I were at work in our Verizon store when he proudly called out to me that he’d bought a box of Twinkies. He didn’t offer me one; he just wanted me to know he had them. He seemed a little more excited than the situation called for. I don’t pay very much attention to things I don’t give a shit about, but I do vaguely know something about how Twinkies were pulled off the market recently.

I probably hadn’t had one since I was at Gulf Middle School, and don’t remember them being all that great back then. But when I saw Deric’s box of Twinkies, two things occurred to me:

1. The picture of the Twinkie on the outside of the box made it look pretty tasty.
2. Deric didn’t offer me any, which left me with no choice but to steal one.

So I waited until he was busy with a customer, snatched a Twinkie, ripped open the wrapper and started eating it. Holy fuck that thing was gross. It tasted like it was actually made when I was at Gulf Middle School. I’m not sure if the overly-sweet “crème” filling or artificial “cake” made me more nauseous. I mean, of course I still finished it.

Right now, I’m in a log cabin in the Smokey Mountains near Gatlinburg, TN. It’s gorgeous here, and the cabin is amazing. The reason I recalled the Twinkie story is because I wandered into downtown Gatlinburg today and, well, it doesn’t look like too many people here have passed on their Hostess Snack Foods, if you catch my drift. They sell Twinkies here that are deep-fried.

CoughcoughcoughcoughAmericansAreFatcoughcoughcoughcough

It amazes me what some people put in their bodies. I imagine it’s even worse while on vacation. I’m not falling into this trap while I’m here. I probably won’t eat amazingly healthfully, but I’m going to spend my non-writing, non-touristy time doing some serious hiking, climbing, and even some ziplining. I may take in some calories, but I’ll be burning them as well.

And, I’m going to decompress a little. I think I need it.

I love you all. Make me famous.

~J