Russia vs. America in My Wife’s Uterus
Evgeniya has been playing classical music (the orchestral kind, not Lynyrd Skynyrd) for our unborn daughter every night for a couple of weeks. It’s supposed to help with her brain development. She’s simply finding it on YouTube and playing it through her noise canceling headphones, which she spreads over her belly (above).
You should see her when an advertisement comes on. She rips the headphones off of her belly and starts cursing in Russian over her precious baby hearing such filth. I guess I don’t blame her; I feel the same way when commercials interrupt the football game I’m watching.
Every morning she does the same thing, but instead plays traditional Russian children’s music. After a few days of this, it hit me: my child isn’t getting any American culture in her! Immediately, I chased my wife down, pinned her on the bed, and sang the National Anthem into her belly button.
“THAT CHILD’S ‘MURICAN, DAMMIT!” I said afterward. Evi was not impressed.
Evi has decided that she’s going to speak to our daughter exclusively in Russian, I’ll speak to her in English, and with any luck we won’t screw her up. I already see a future where my wife and my daughter will be talking about me in Russian and laughing. Let that be a warning for guys who date internationally.
Anyway, a couple of nights ago, while playing the orchestral music, I managed to convince Evi to play the theme to Indiana Jones. “Hey, it’s played by an orchestra,” I said. “I bet she starts running and jumping all over your uterus when she hears it.”
Indiana Jones is American, right?
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Like the 200 bucks huh?
Yeah, pretty much. My goal is to die owning everybody millions, sort of like Madoff.
Lol! I remember that!
My daughter is married to a Peruvian. She did the same thing with plsuing classical music throughout both her pregnacies. She and her husband speak spanish and American sign language in the house and english outside. what Evi is doing now will greatly enhance your babys learning curve. Keep up the good work and throw in some big band era music to round her embionic(?) learning.
But it’s too late for me, right?
For Pete’s sake, don’t sing the national anthem–play Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. Your daughter needs variety in music. Trust me. My kids are all brilliant!
This is the best, most thought-out comment I’ve ever had here.
Hey, just add this to the $200 you owe one of us!
Oh, and thank you for not requiring me yo sign up to WordPress in order to leave this message.
To, not yo. I take back the “thanks” because I now have to autocorrect myself.
As my dad used to say, “It’s good for you. Builds character.”
You owe me $250 now…..
I’d rather owe it to you than cheat you out of it.
that pop up ad is as welcome as a new herpes outbreak. thanks.
dick.
That’s weird. I thought I set that pop-up to activate only if it detected an Internet weirdo. Hmmm…