Home Project Avoidance Leads to an Actual Blog

As I write, there’s three cans of paint waiting for me to apply to the outside of our house. In fact, the whole reason this blog post exists is, as much as I like to procrastinate writing, I have a deeper, more profound love of putting off any home-related projects.

For example: I bought a brand new house in 2003. In late 2004, my sister went with me to Home Depot to help pick out paint for the interior walls, which were all still plain-ass builder’s grade white. We chose some really pretty Florida colors, and I have to admit, they really spruced up the inside of the paint cans, where all the paint remained until the day I sold the house in 2014.

I blame my parents. Ten years of procrastination is nothing to them. The house I grew up in, for a reason so mind-bogglingly stupid I can’t come up with a joke to adequately deride it, came with carpeted bathrooms. Yes. A “wet area” of the house was carpeted. I’m not sure who the moron was that decided this; I guess I should just be glad our sinks and bathtubs didn’t have AstroTurf.

So when my grandparents visited us while I was in high school—around 1986—Grandpa took one look at the bathroom, gave a facial expression that said “what kind of stupid shit is this?” then kindly offered to install a linoleum floor. He did an amazing job, but they were on a schedule, and despite his hard work, he didn’t get it quite done before they were to fly back home to Missouri.

“Ken,” he told my dad. “Once the glue underneath the linoleum is dry, it’s safe to go ahead and install this.” He held a transition bar—the metal piece that traditionally borders linoleum and carpet—in his hands. He leaned the bar against the wall behind the bathroom door.

In 2003, the transition bar was still leaning against the wall. 17 years later.

Obviously, procrastination runs in the family.

But, now I have a wife. I don’t know if you’re aware, but wives tend to notice when husbands don’t accomplish anything. I thought I’d actually been doing a pretty good job with the house painting, since 7/8ths of the exterior is already complete. It’s been grueling, but I’ve steadfastly stuck to the old fashioned, time-tested method of:

1. Getting up early in the morning, so there’s plenty of daylight.
2. Stretching out my back, shoulder, and arm muscles, then
3. Showering, hopping in the car, and getting the hell to the office to do mortgage loans.

BOOM! When I’d get home, a whole new wall would be complete! With very minimal dirty looks from my beloved wife as I helped clean paint out of her hair and face.

Alas, now it’s the weekend, which I guess means it’s my turn to get out there. I have to finish the rear of the house and paint the trim.

So, if you need a mortgage, go ahead and call me. Right now would be perfect.