Why Do You Look So Rough This Morning?

3:15 AM: Experiencing weird dream in which I’m looking in vain for a protein bar.

3:17 AM: Woke up starving.

3:17:31 AM: In pitch black darkness, stumbled my way to the kitchen.

3:18 AM: Recreated my dream. Failed to notice life imitating subconscious.

3:19 AM: FOUND PROTEIN BAR

3:19:48 AM: Staggered to bathroom to pee. Still have not turned on a light. Used sonar to acquire target. Aimed with right hand, ate protein bar with left.

3:22 AM: Crawled in bed. As of this writing, cannot confirm whether hands were washed.

3:22:36 AM: Started thinking about an extremely difficult, stressful mortgage I’ve been working on instead of sleeping.

3:45 AM: Still thinking about that Goddamn mortgage.

4:45 AM: Finally fell back asleep

4:47 AM: Wife wakes me up and asks me to go “straighten the baby”.

4:48 AM: Groggily get back up and stumble to baby’s room, wondering how the hell you “straighten a baby”.

4:48:30 AM: Observed loud but totally non-crooked baby. Assumed Evi meant for me to get her to shut the hell up.

4:48:37 AM: Picked up baby, caressed her, decided I’d need to hold her awhile. I edged over to the futon in the baby’s room.

4:49 AM: Observed futon has a comfort level normally associated with waterboarding. Also, since it’s still dark, I accidentally lie on the futon with my head on the blanket and my legs on the pillow.

4:49:22 AM: Baby falls asleep on my chest. Still have blanket bunched up underneath my head and pillows under my legs. Knowing there’s no way I’m risking waking this damn baby, I stick my legs under one pillow and hope it keeps me warm.

4:50—5:50 AM: Lie frozen on torturesome piece of shit futon, not daring to fall asleep, not really awake, not warm, certainly not comfortable.

5:59 AM: Gently set her down in the crib in the manner you’d set down an IED. Snuck back into own bedroom.

6:00 AM: Comfortably drift back to sleep in own bed, hoping to catch one last hour before alarm goes off.

6:02 AM: Baby wakes up for the day.

6:02:12 AM: Reconsider all my life decisions.