I Can Literally Drive You Crazy
(Note: This essay was originally posted on NYCTourGuy.com, a blog I managed when I lived in New York City. That blog will be taken down soon, and I’ll be moving all of that content here, dated as of its original posting.)
A couple of months ago, Evi had a booking to give a tour to some repeat clients from Russia. Since they contacted her directly, rather than through a travel agency, she had to handle all the details herself. And, since they desired a tour of Long Island, Evi needed to book a car and a driver.
“Baby,” Evi said. “Instead of me hiring a driver, why don’t you rent a car and drive us yourself?”
I was intrigued. I actually enjoy driving, but I’d never done it professionally before. I agreed. The day they arrived, I rented a nice sedan from Thrifty and drove a Russian billionaire, his wife, and Evi around for eight hours. At $40 per hour.
That got me thinking. The next time I used Uber, I asked the driver, “Hey, how do you like doing this?”
“Eh, the money is so-so, but you can’t beat the schedule. You literally work when you want, and don’t work when you don’t want. And you get a decent check every Thursday.”
What I need more than anything is flexibility, especially now that I’m going to school to get my mortgage license again. And if I can do Uber while mixing in driving for high-wealth clients, I could have flexibility and a strong income. So I did some research. The first thing I found is that I broke nearly 20 laws by driving those tourists around. That’s okay. This is the Big Apple; you break three laws just by getting out of bed to take a leak.
New York City regulates and taxes the shit out of everything. And if you try to get around it, NYC is going to find you and fuck you somehow. For example, AirBnB is a phenomenon around the globe, including here. But if you pay someone on AirBnB to stay at their place, how is NYC going to collect tax money? What’s that, you say? NYC isn’t? And they’re going to take a hit in hotel tax revenue?
Uber is in a similar situation. In most parts of the country, you can download the app, sign up, and start driving your own car within a few minutes. Here in NYC, thanks to the Gods of Bureaucracy and Tax Revenue, it is a two month process. You have to apply for a TLC license ($252). You have to go to a special Taxi and Limousine Commission school ($175), and pass an exam ($75). You have to attend a Wheelchair class ($80, though free with Uber). You have to be fingerprinted ($20). You have to attend a defensive driving course. If you’re going to drive your own car, you have to get a special TLC license plate ($1,100) and commercial insurance ($900 down, $300/month with a perfect driving record; God help you if you have tickets). You could instead rent a TLC plated and insured car all ready for “For Hire” driving ($400/week). So NYC takes what is a simple process everywhere else and makes it a giant expensive governmental clusterfuck.
But I did it. I got my special TLC license last week, and started driving yesterday. I was a little nervous at first, only because I still don’t know NYC all that well. But the Uber app does everything for me. It gives me directions to the rider, then after I pick them up it navigates me to their destination. A reasonably well-trained orangutan could do it.
Okay, that’s a gross exaggeration. Especially considering the completely different rules that exist for driving in NYC.
Anyway, so far, so good. All my riders so far have been terrific, and I haven’t gotten into any accidents yet. So if you happen to be in NYC and use Uber, well, you may end up being driven by an an incredibly handsome future superstar humorist.
Or me.
~J
Recent Comments